I thought you needed a square of toilet paper: A short story

  I've been in southern Utah since January and most of my adventures here have been spent hiking the amazing, scenic outdoors. I couldn't be more grateful for the stunning things I have seen.  However, the temperatures are warming and now each time I step outside after 12pm I enter THE DEVIL'S BACKYARD. I mean it's 7pm and it's still 107 degrees outside.  Even the Mormons can't keep the Devil away!

I decided I needed a little respite from the heat and took a few days to explore the Seattle area with a friend who lives in the city.  It was my first time there and honestly I didn't have too many preconceived notions about the people or the city...only there may be an abundant number of hipsters and tech nerds.  At night we went to a bar with a great view overlooking the bay (a bay view with cranes and cargo containers. It's new age trendy scenery like industrial style apartments with exposed piping).   The place was pretty full of people so we had to stalk some seats for a while until they became free at the bar.  We had time to observe our surroundings. It soon became apparent the place was not full of hipsters nor tech nerds, but rather a different breed...men who liked underfed, pale vagina and vagina that was money hungry and needed to be fed.  It was ok though, as a chameleon I adapt...my vagina quickly adjusted its color!  Mom, I'm joking...obviously.  My vagina doesn't change color pssshhhhhh (but shhhhhhhh I wish! That would be a really cool circus trick). 

     We ordered drinks (trendy drinks with a giant singular ice cube) and soon that anti-diuretic hormone was inhibited and I had to pee.  While I was in the bathroom stall I hear a girl talking, but to me all it sounds like is the Charlie Brown "wah wa wa wah wa wa"  sound so I ignore it. Then suddenly I hear the voice's tone becoming louder and more forceful, so I tune in; "Excuse me, I'm talking to you!  I am in the stall next to you and I can't see. I don't have my glasses and I can't see how to get out."  Ok...she's blind and she needs help...BUT she's completely being a BIOTCH about it. Her tones were demanding...they weren't 'I need help despertely'...I just couldn't believe what I was hearing.  She was asking for help, but acting like I was being the idiot right now!  However, being a nurse it's my civic duty and all to help those in need and to do no harm...right?  I also had my shorts down to my ankles and I really hadn't yet wiped my vagina which was still in the process of losing its melanin...so I tell her to give me a second...which in "Milwaukee" sounds more like "Hold Up, Hold Up, Hold Up Just A Second!" ...So I take care of business and examine the door and instruct her to put her hands in front of her until she feels the door, then run her hands down the lefthand side and feel until she hit a metal piece and then twist that to the left.  She says "I'm turning it and it won't open!" (in this tone again as if I'm the one misdirecting her!). At this point I'm standing outside her stall as I'm talking to her and I'm seeing the metal piece swivel...so I tell her to just push the door and of course it opens.  She comes out and goes to wash her hands...doesn't even say "thank you" to me at all for helping her blind ass get out of the stall.  I was just seriously shocked. So I said "Ummm so where are your glasses?"  This girl...you won't believe what she says..."I wear my glasses 40 hours a week and they hurt my eyes! I don't wan't to wear them!"  (again in that TONE).  

I'm now wishing I would've left her in the stall trapped for a while, like the girl in the adjacent stall to Elaine in Seinfeld who couldn't spare the one square of toilet paper.   She finished washing her hands vigorously and  then rushed out of the bathroom back to her group of underfed, pale vagina friends...and I was left there looking in the mirror.  I stood there for a minute just staring...I could see myself clearly, that wrinkle across the center of my forehead running horizontally...my brows furrowed a bit replaying what just happened............................and then it came to me, like an epiphany..........Lasik Bitch.